Saturday, June 5, 2010

Just a little story

I wrote a little story nothing big...just a little story

To someone who will never read these words:
I kept wondering if I could make myself disappear. Fold into myself so tightly and then poof ...I would be gone. I sat there straining against my body hoping to make it happen. I would be gone and all the memories too. The computer screen blinked and threatened me with a new message. I can't take it anymore. I can picture the glitter paved city streets and all our laughter. So, how did it come down to me not being enough for it all. I don't know if you will ever care or begin to imagine how much it still hurts. You've gone on to better things and forgot me. It doesn't matter what I did or how many times I tell myself it'll be okay, because right now I am not. You words haunt me. Each syllable clicking against my skin until I'm raw and bleeding again. You said you loved me then used it against me, you said you'd never leave then said you had too because of me, you said a lot of things but now I feel so empty holding onto empty words.

At first I was confused, but all along I was a project and when you couldn't fix me you broke me down and discarded part by part. If only you could have seen me all of me. It was always only part by part, problem by problem.I can't remember how many times I have had to reconnect bones to memories, tears to scars and become one again. After you ..after you was one of the most difficult. I'm happy you are happy, but not that you are fine without me. I have suffered long night, harsh words, world turned up and you..well you never have consequences...I wish I was you. Each step I take I take softly , but you run, walk, stomp, dance where you want and it does not matter what happens. No one will ever fault you.

You said it was about you. It was always about you. You said you loved me. You called me names and laughed at me.I'm not blaming you ... not at all. I just wish for a few seconds you could feel what i do, see what i see...that will never happen. Its on your terms. But you lost me..you pushed me away the second you told me I was not good enough , not what you wanted, not what you needed, not well....

you make me feel...you make me feel...like I am not all there, not good enough, not worth it. Like I should be so happy that you stuck with me so long. You wanna know something none of those things spell love...none. But I love you..I wish I could stop. I wish betrayal was enough to make me not even care about you, but I care more...That is love.

I know you will be fine. I know your life will be happy.I know you are fine. I know you are happy
I know I will be fine. I know I will be happy. I know you are fine. I know you are happy.

3 comments:

decollete said...

you inspire me. so many of those feelings are mine as well. you are not alone. love you.

Quiet Violet said...

Time is our friend, my sweet love. Time was good to us.

May the world be filled with many more shiny sidewalks for us to stroll upon.

<3 more than every Pazookie and dress.

Nic said...

time does mend and heal. Love you