Someday I will remember
We stayed up all night because the sun was strong that day. It seeped into the concrete outside, slipping through our stucco walls, and found a home in our skin, squeezing at our throats, pulling limbs, sucking skin. It was so hard to breathe. I watched you from above. Your beautiful body; laid out for me to worship across the pale turquoise tile on our kitchen floor. Your mouth opened and your breath painted patterns across the stale colored ground. I bent down to touch you, but my hands resisted unable to separate you from the space between us. So I let you sleep a little longer while the humming heat crawled in behind my eyes. Finally you began to stir. Slick and strong you rose and came to me.
You were down to your boxers by this time. Your milky skin blended with the blinding sun, making my own shell worthless and dim by comparison. The room blurred and I stumbled down the hallway. My arms stretched back, hands procrastinating, exploring each groove along the walls. The sun began to slip but the heat lingered making every breath I took feel like mid august; stretching my lungs and pushing against my body for a way out. You trailed behind my trembling frame. I laid my body out across cotton sheets, the cheap fabric pulling against flushed skin as our bodies tangled into one. Head on chest, palm to palm, soft murmurs…morning came timidly; the light struggling to overcome the hues of night. Our body cooled. My mind awoke, but I know I didn’t take my eyes off you once on that endless night.
I counted each rise and fall of your chest..it slowed. I held you tighter as sleep swallowed you deeply, fearing things would be different with the sun peaking through the muslin curtains in our room. The sun didn't show its face all night. Five nights went by without change, the sun refusing to rise. You stopped moving. You would be mine forever.
This is where I start forgetting
I can’t remember much. It was cold; I could see your words as you spoke. They traveled between us and I breathed in each syllable completely; cold. We were in the kitchen. How did we get there? I remember toes, my toes were so cold. You were so hot, burning. Your satin skin dripping ,rolling, connecting to my own. You sat on the old wooden stool in the corner of the kitchen. The splintering oak legs scratching louder and louder with your struggling movements. I cooked eggs until they turned dingy and spit hot grease up at me. You’re so far away. I can see your mouth. Bottom lip swollen and torn. The sky was dark. It's was that hour before it goes pitch black, twilight, it was extended just for us on this day. There was no one else but us. The eggs resentful , smoking , snapping up at me…but you smiled.
“Are you okay?”
We ate eggs barefoot on our porch. Blue lips, blue toes, blue…. We wore goose bumps and old sweaters. I can't remember what you said, but I know it was important. Say it again.
“….I won’t let you”
Say it again. Where did we go, where did you go. I think I fell asleep...I woke up and it was over.
“I can’t take this …”
“You mean nothing without this..”
I was wrapped up in a blanket in front of the bookcase. I could see the light from a candle creep in through the tangled mess of hair that covered my face. Too my left was a page from your favorite book... I waded through the floor clawing at the page; my answer. All the words were blacked out. The last word was circled...What did it say? I tried to wipe it off, markings everywhere covering my truth but my hand was wet with something. I made it worse, the page began to rip
So much ….dark dark dark…melting, throbbing, moving …what a mess..
I looked around...
i called your name
i called your name…
i called you name....